


Keep On Trying To Get Home To You

by sapphirae_escapist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, and I want more TFW, based on 8.23 trailer, guesses about 8.23, post 8.22, shutting the gates of Heaven and Hell, this is what I wish to happen in the season finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-10 23:45:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/791553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphirae_escapist/pseuds/sapphirae_escapist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel is trying to explain his motives to the Winchester brothers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Keep On Trying To Get Home To You

**Author's Note:**

> After seeing the latest episode... let's just say this is my way of coping with it.
> 
> Title is from Poco's Keep On Trying. (I know, I suck at titles, but I recommend listening the track while reading.)

"I want to close the Gates of Heaven."

Castiel's voice was raw but determined. Dean and Sam looked at him like he was speaking in Chinese- although given that he was a multilingual son of a bitch that probably would have been less surprising.

"You what?" Sam leaned front in his seat. The Third Trial of shutting Hell was still ahead of him, and he was weaker than ever. Dean just stood at the other end of the big table of the Men of Letters bunker, utterly out of words.

"I... I will try to close the Gates of Heaven" Castiel repeated, unable to decide whom to look at. "It is the best I can do after the damage I caused."

"So... what now? You have trials to?"

"Yes. Metatron is-" Cas looked for the right word, but couldn't find it. He settled with _helping_. "-helping me."

"Oh, great. So now you're roaming with a librarian?" Dean finally found his voice.

"Yes. I just wanted to let you know."

"Now we know. What else do you want from us?"

"Dean" Sam warned. The brothers stared at each other in those silent conversations that seemed alien to everyone unfamiliar with the family.

"What, Sammy? He's been in and out ever since Purgatory..." Dean gestured towards was while Sam shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Dean was still mad, understandably. And he never could manage his emotional anger the right way: this case he treated Cas like an unworthy child.

But Cas wasn't, and certainly wasn't acting like a child. He interrupted fiercely.

"I have been under the control of Naomi ever since I have been _pulled out_ of Purgatory!" his outburst silenced both brothers. He took a deep breath before continuing, but now his rage was rising. "All these years, ever since I rebelled against Heaven, I have been fighting for free will. And it had been taken away from me once again. I had the _right_ to stay down! It was my decision! But I have been dragged out and used as a puppet ever since so forgive me if I don't act like you expect me to-" He eyed Dean, and Sam was glad he was not in the way of the two titanic forces.

"Yeah, I get that, Cas, but you left again-"

"No, you don't get that, Dean. You have no idea what I went through."

"Of course. I forget how I was just a human, unable to comprehend the ways of the heavenly soldiers..." Dean's voice was so full of malice that Sam had to restrain himself again from kicking his brother.

"That is because you _are_ unable to comprehend it! You can't imagine what it was like to hear your prayers every night but not being able to, not being allowed to come here. First in Purgatory, then here, because Naomi ordered me to stay away, and I wasn't strong enough to disobey. You have no idea what it was like to... to kill you, because I had to, a thousand times..." he sighed and went on, now under the uncomprehending gaze of the other two, not daring to meet their eyes. "Naomi created doppelgangers of you, Dean. A thousand. I was ordered to practice killing you on them. And I had to pretend I didn't hear your voice all along. Yet I am still sorry that I couldn't come."

Silence filled the room.

None of them looked at the others.

Then Dean spoke up, a lot more gently and quietly than the last time.

"Then why leave?"

"After the crypt... I wanted to protect the tablet. I failed. I am sorry. I was confused, I was myself again after a long time, and I... maybe I was even afraid a little" _because you could have rejected me_ remained unspoken.

Sam inhaled sharply. To hear and angel admit they are afraid does not happen every day.

"And I didn't want to leave the bunker" Cas continued. "I just... " now he really looked ashamed. "I wanted to help you. I went to a store, but they had no pie, and Metatron showed up and-"

"You went on a _supply run_?" Sam's eyes were wide open.

"Yes."

"Then you went on with Metatron" it wasn't a question, but Dean wasn't accusing Cas either. Just stating; he was just stating the facts to get the whole story from the little pieces.

"You have to understand. I am an angel. I have rebelled, but I still spent a millennia up there. I caused damage, and I still want to fix it. Metatron offers a way... We could lock in the angels. They could deal with their problems and this world would be a better place without their fight. Of course, that would mean I'd lose my Grace..."

"Come again."

Cas locked eyes with Dean.

"I would be cut away from Heaven. I... I actually came now to ask that what you said in your prayers still stands, that I could... come _home_ here."

Sam's gaze jumped from his brother to the angel like he was watching a tennis match. Both were tense, both seemed unable to break the eye-contact.

"You would... choose us?" Dean was startled yet again.

"Haven't I always?" Cas offered a weak smile.

And it was true. He did. Even when he seemed to betray them, when he hurt them, in the end he did everything to protect them. Heaven was his family by blood, but family doesn't end with blood. Theirs definitely didn't. 

"But you would become human. You could die."

"Yes. But I could live before that. With the two of you. And while I may not be able to help the angels I can still help you. Worse things have happened to me than becoming human, Dean."

Dean ran his hand through his short hair. The angels leaving forever (or at least for his lifetime) and Cas becoming powerless sounded too much like the reprise of the future Zachariah sent Dean to.

Sam kept quiet. He believed Cas knew his answer to the question. The decision was up to Dean.

"You want to stay" Dean repeated, basically because he still couldn't believe.

"Yes."

"And if I said no would you still choose not to go up?"

Cas wondered for a moment, then he answered honestly.

"I am not sure, but I think I would. I don't think I could hold on for long in Heaven."

Dean nodded. He understood that.

"Well, I cannot... I can't tell you what to do. But you are welcome here, I guess. Sammy?"

"That's not even a question, Dean. He is Cas."

**Author's Note:**

> A few month ago I wrote a similar thing but I never posted it. I might now- it's a bit different but with the same theme.


End file.
